Big ThreeHumourRant

Big 3: Abstract is Not a Style a Sandwich Artist Should Practice

Writing this blog has made me realise how much of my life revolves around food. I spend hours trying to find something new, the perfect meal and ensure whatever I am making looks and tastes great. It is clear that this is not a mutually held attribute.

Subway is a restaurant I now frequent quite a bit. I say now because I did have an absence from subway for a few years. The absence was due to working next door to one with shared ventilation. At first it’s great, think baking cookies all day. Then it gets enmeshed with the job, boredom, frustrated customer service and the manager blowing the delivery guy out the back. That’s a story for another day. Anyway I’m back on Subway after purging the association.

Now I get that being your part-time job it’s not really high on your list of care. At the end of the day though it’s making a bloody sandwich. I find it hard to understand how this is difficult. Here are my top three issues why subway and so-called sandwich artists (which is a registered term so I might get sued) drive me crazy.


1.  Not evenly apportioning the meat or veggie patties if that’s your thing.


What am I talking about you may be asking? I have a way of eating a sub or sandwich and in fact all food. Now; 1. I start at the end of the sub, 2. eat the top layer and 3. I eat the bottom (pic included to demonstrate. It’s a hotdog because I couldn’t find a sandwich and ate my sub too quick). Well the idea is to eat the best bit last.

The problem is when eating that first bit I like to have the main ingredient. The so call sandwich artists though don’t distribute the meat evenly, they load up on one end. I watch them, I want to yell do it even. They just throw the meat down like its position doesn’t even matter. Put the meat all up one end, who will mind.

This guy does.

What is worse is that if you have a sub with multiple meats they load them all up in the same way. So the whole sandwich is ruined. It results in me sitting in the corner muttering to myself and remaking my sandwich. See what your lackadaisical attitude toward sandwich preparation results in.

2.  Laying ingredients across the crease of the bread.


Now this one is annoying because come on, how do you not realise this will be a problem. You make sandwiches for hours at a time and you are telling me that you haven’t worked out that this won’t work. How do you do the same thing over and over, it’s just crazy.

Then it comes to the end and the try to close it. Surprise surprise it won’t close. They keep trying, valiantly trying. What results is a sandwich that has been battered and bruised. It is decimated, and what I end up with is something that looks like it was partially pre-digested.

Like any self-respecting sandwich connoisseur I take it back. I feel bad, I only take it back if it’s really bad to be clear. The kid is 15, no one cares that much at 15 so I cut them some slack. When I do, the manager looks at me and asks “do I want another one”. No I just wanted to show you this wonder of sandwich art for the fun of it.

3.  How much training does it take to make a sandwich?


Now I feel like I have answered this question with points one and two and yet the question remains. I sat in store once and watched for half an hour someone demonstrate how to make a sandwich. Half an hour this kid looked intently, and asked clarifying questions.

How do you not know how to make a sandwich? If you are a parent, and your child cannot make a sandwich you have failed. Miserably failed to give them even the most basic skills to survive. They don’t even need to cook it. They are basically stacking things on bread.

They must suck at jenga.

If you happen upon this and are a part of the Subway Corporation I am happy to alter this for a lifetime supply of subs. If you are not willing to provide said deal, learn to make a sandwich right.



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