Big 3: Technology Wankery


Big Three, Rant / Thursday, January 12th, 2017

It is no secret to those who know me that I am a fan of apple, and technology. In fact I am writing this on my iPad in the bath, listening to Apple Music. I love the way that I can be creative and have intellectual freedom because of it. I hear people who complain about technology and clearly they don’t know what they’re missing.

The technology boom is not without its problems. For the genius of Steve Jobs he did allow middle age men to call products gorgeous. When I hear them say this “toaster” was designed by Buddhist monks and we think it’s gorgeous, I throw up a little in my mouth. It’s gross and they need to stop it. I feel like it gives us a glimpse into their love life, no thanks.

The rise of technology and the focus on “innovation” has led to other problems as well. It has created a society in which every product needs to be the most amazing of its type. They all need dual purposes and preferably be wireless. Usually they are boring and cost way to much. That doesn’t stop some guy trying to sell a potato peeler as if it was the cure to syphilis.

I am drawn to watching new product videos, and here are the three things that drive me the most insane. Enjoy!

1. This blog is a humanitarian triumph

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If you have ever watched a tech release it becomes really clear that they have an inflated sense of what their product means to society. They always talk about solving a problem that plagued mankind until they come up with the answer.

They always put forward their product as a service to the public. Not to make a ridiculous amount of money, it’s to “help” the world.

There is the sad background music as we see the model demonstrate their massive problem. The music is moody and foreboding. The lighting is dark and somber, how will this person get out of their deep depression of not being able to boil the kettle from their couch? The product is a kettle that has gone through more testing that an aircraft. Not only can the kettle boil water, with a handy attachment that was precision designed, you can also walk the dog with it. Who doesn’t what a dog walker that can make you a cuppa for keeping your fat ass on the couch.

When the product is shown the music is chipper, the model is happy and the lighting is positively encouraging. Don’t worry that the kettle is the price of a small car, you can even boil water from work. How did you ever live in a world that your water was anything but hot when you wanted it. The second generation will be fitted with a face to nod at your partner so you don’t have to talk to them. That should stop the need to interact with people.

I often find these products cool, they  are a novelty. What they are not is problem solving. If your greatest problem is an inconvenient kettle, you haven’t got it too bad. Connected kettles will not solve real problems. Why can’t you just sell it like the cool novelty it is?

Seeing this sales pitch makes me instantly hate the product, and the smug model. I bet that six-pack didn’t come from not getting off the couch. The amount of time wasted on “developing” this product could have been used to actually help people. The smug sense of self accomplishment is what makes people hate tech types.

I know Steve Jobs said:

A lot of times, people don’t know what they want until you show it to them.

But you aren’t Steve Jobs, far from it. Also he got kicked out of Apple, you are less of a genius than him and even he got kicked out of the company he founded. Maybe take a step back from thinking you are the next great. Statistically you’re not, not even close. You will probably be mocked for how serious you took a kettle with a face.

There is an exception to this and his name is Elon Musk, that man is pure genius. Also his accent would easily let him go evil genius. I kind of hope he does, think of the world he would rule.

2. This blog was precision engineered over 4 years

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What is this obsession with engineering things over years. I feel like if it took you that long maybe you’re not that smart. Things take time I get that but not this long. When all you are doing is adding to something that already exists, you gotta pick up the pace.

Being precision engineered within 4 nanometers doesn’t make you rubber duck with wi-fi capability any better. If it took you four years to work out how to strap a chip to a floating rubber duck, maybe inventing isn’t for you. If it took a team four years, maybe you need smarter friends. You all seem to have met at the same university. I’ve been to university, there are a lot of idiots. I mean people I wouldn’t trust to eat an ice-cream unsupervised. Look outside of the people you know, and if you see them struggling to eat dessert maybe they get the coffees.

I appreciate when something is well made. I love my iPad because it is the best tablet in my opinion. I know there are cheaper ones but I am willing to pay for quality and precision. I am not willing to pay for it in my donut maker, that is water proof. Less time working out how to make it waterproof and more time on good donuts.

The precision element also is introduced with material selection. “We tried 325 different materials to get it right”. I feel like there should have been a way to narrow the list. Also you usually end up with aluminium and plastic. Why not start there.

I know you’re trying to show how much attention you paid, but it makes me think you’re an indecisive idiot. I’m sure we have all been in meetings or conversation with someone who wants to discuss all option. Even though we end back on aluminium and plastic. Maybe that’s why it took you 4 years.

Precision is important, particularly in heart surgery. Your donut maker would be fine if it wasn’t waterproof. Does it make good donuts, that’s what I want to know. I don’t care how many alloys it took to get it “right”. My fat ass isn’t going to care when I’m gorging on fried pastry. Maybe you can hook up with the kettle people to make sure my coffee is ready when my donuts are.

3. It makes Blogs fun

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If there is one thing that irritates me above all else it’s when a product makes something fun. Why does everything need to be fun. Cleaning the house will not be fun, not now not ever. You need to stop it. I don’t want to make generalisations but this seems to be more of an American thing, you guys have had enough fun.

Let’s clear this up, your product will NOT make washing clothes fun. No amount of beeps or flashing lights will make it fun. I don’t care if I can check on the progress through my smart phone. That just reminds me I have to hang out the washing out. I think the humble washing machine is enough fun.

Stop paying actors to pretend to be having fun as they do something that is mundane. I can see a little bit of their soul dying. How many takes did you make them go through, I bet after a shoot they go home and write negative reviews on your product.

The need to make everything fun is not a problem just for the tech industry but boy have they taken it on board. Just a personal aside if someone tells me that exercise is fun I’ll hit them. I don’t mean playing sport with your friends, I mean running or the gym. It’s not fun. It’s rewarding but I’d rather be playing with my drone than going to the gym. If the gym was fun there would be a lot less fat people. Your shitty sports band, that does less than my apple watch will not make me skip with joy to the gym.

If something is fun it is bad for you, that’s how life works. You don’t get to have fun and do something good for you. Until I get a chip embedded in my brain that can control my thoughts, your shitty band will not change this.


Technology has been a driving force for the development of the human race. The downfall really is that it is a driving force for the development of the human race. Technology has unleashed our worse selves and this can be hatred or poor showmanship.

The focus on technology allows anyone with an idea to feel like they are the first to conquer Everest. When really they are re-imagining something that has been done many times before. It allows buzz words like gorgeous and iterations to make them feel intelligent.

The word great is being diluted, we need to focus on adequate and go from there.

I hope you have liked this gorgeous blog post and will follow me for future iterations.

Byron

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